Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Jealously Loved...A Humble Correction

Next to my computer at school, scattered through my apartment and even on my phone are lists of blog topics that I've had inspiration for writing.

My summer was more packed with events that many people might accomplish in two years.  I'm so thankful for the summer breaks I have to share with family and friends...and SHARE IT I DID!

Between taking Grandma to Edinburgh, rocking out at my friends' first paying band gig, falling in love again with CL and the Rocky Mountains, and babysitting my amazing niece, I had PLENTY to be thankful for and witness God's mercy/charity towards me.

Behind all these things, all the time, was a nagging voice, "It's not enough, Erica.  None of this is enough." And I wanted more and more and more.  More beautiful nights singing with my friends.  More lunches with friends I haven't talked to in ages.  More Zumba classes at St. John's!  But is that really what I want more of?  My summer could have lasted three more months with more trips out of town and more vacation, but would that have satiated my thirst?

Thus, my absence from this blog.  I can't pinpoint what in the hell my life is missing.  After five/six novenas, and people on the Camino praying for my vocation (thanks to all of you, btw), I still have this inclination/desire to be great, to be full, to point others to universal truths in their lives, to love without measure, etc. And I fall into the temptation of thinking that a big answer to my lifelong vocation is going to bring all of this to me! A restlessness totally exists within me, and it's uncomfortable.

This sounds dumb to me, but I couldn't even admit this restlessness in a blog post.  God forbid I let some kind of uncertainty show when I'm supposed to be "taking care of my heart."

We're educated by Fr. Giussani (founder of the Communion and Liberation movement) over and over again that this restlessness and tension exists in our hearts PRECISELY because it is there where we can reach out to God and know His saving Love.

My "mission" two years ago for this blog was to celebrate how God saves EVERY circumstance...to celebrate the surprises in my life when my heart just vibrates with the beauty He gives and when He fills life with meaning in an unexpected way.

My original blog title, "Taking Care of the Heart" in what I've learned over the summer.  My heart is more needy than I can ever wrap my head around.  It needs more love than 1,000 well-intentioned boyfriends could ever provide, and I SUCK at taking care of it.  I lack will power, energy, and courage to stand in front of this needy heart and fall all the time to stupid habits, gossip, and mediocrity that displays a paler "me" than my Creator originally designed.

And so, here I am.  With a new blog title and one that I've learned fits more with my life.  "Jealously Loved." Because without a doubt, I am jealously loved by Him.  Circumstances reveal to me that boys I love, Zumba classes I lead, and praise I get from my students' parents are NOT the answer to my heart's needs.  And so, here I am, Lord.  Needy. Once again begging you to show me the way.

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