So, I'm tempted to say I did not have a profound Easter season like last year. I mean, check out these Easter blog posts from last year...I couldn't even keep it all in one!
It has definitely been true in my life that I do not control when I'm really "moved" by something. In fact, the sheer unexpectedness and surprises of life are the supreme indication that we are not the Masters of our reality. For this I am grateful. In something I just read, it pointed out how the surprises in life are "our salvation."
So, this Lent has been a begging: "Lord, I want to see your face. I'm not even sure what your face looks like or how long it's been, but I want to see your face and be certain that it's you."
This has been a really humbling move for me, because I lead a lot of things and people often look to me for advice, certainty, insight into who God is and it's been a little scary to say, "I don't know."
This question, "God, who are You?" has been a new starting point for me and has given me life again. It's making me a desperate seeker of truth and certainty that I can't talk myself out of. I'm reading my texts from Fr. Giussani with more attention, I value my time with others and try to talk about things that really matter...I'm soaking it up in opportunities to visit others, make myself available even if it's a risk of time away from home, my chores, etc. I'm really being honest with God in prayer..."This is what I want, Lord, show me. Mary, take care of me."
I look back to my last year's posts on Easter and think, "Man, I really missed something this year." But even that statement presumes that I have some mountaintop experience on a certain day. Instead, He comes when we least expect it.
Like in Cincinnati when, with friends, we decided to go to Mass on Saturday night at this dinky Church, hoping for a "quickie" so we could get on to the other evening's activities, when we were HIT with the Presence of this priest. A Chinese man who was so full of life you had to be dead to not see it. He spoke of never stopping the questions that arise in our hearts--to be the doubting Thomas--to not fake certainty. Here's a guy who came out of Communist China to be a Chinese priest. I mean, he's either crazy or Jesus is real.
And as I'm looking down this row of friends in Cincinnati with me, all different ages, different professions and interests, but we are linked by something. So much so that all weekend people asked me, "Who are you guys? How do you know each other?" And honestly, we are linked in our search for truth. That's it. But it's a deeper link than most have with anyone.
This unexpected event has jumpstarted my week. I came home last night aching to pray and wrote my prayer in a poem...which I've never done in my life, but kind of liked. (I'm thinking about posting it, but we'll see..) I was already late for work, but I HAD to pray the morning prayer today...it was the only adequate response to my heart that wants to see Christ again like I saw Him in that priest.
I've spent a good chunk of my morning trying to find some contact information for this priest in Cincinnati because I want to tell him what keeps all my questions alive, why I keep coming to Church and the place where truth is never taken for granted. He knows too that it's in the Catholic Church and for me specifically, it's in my education with Communion and Liberation (or CL) which I write about a lot too! The Blog About CL
I'm so grateful to have had Mass on Saturday and to be up against this extraordinary man. If nothing else, seeing him reminded me again that we can't plan for God to move us. He just does. I live today with renewed hope that He'll come again and I'm holding the question, "Where are You?" as the most important of my day.