A journal entry written one year ago. I had the privilege of searching through some old journals a few weeks ago and I found this gem. It's a beautiful witness of my encounter with a LIVING Christ that I didn't really have before...
The weird thing is, I just had this SAME desperation I was feeling over a year ago LAST NIGHT with completely different circumstances and He SAVED me again...in a new way, but with the same embrace.
To put it in context, about a year ago, I was going through a break up with a man I loved, him finding someone else and preparing to marry her all in the same season. I was truly broken. But God allowed this for me because it forced me closer to Him.
"Vision of me at Mass looking at all the other 'happy couples' and families and judging why they might be unfulfilled. (to make myself feel better) and Jesus (or my image of dark, rustic, bearded Jesus) took his hands to my face and gazed upon me and said, 'Don't pay attention to what others are doing--stay with me, I know this is hard but let's keep working. I'm with you.'
He made no promises of when it would be over, but I knew with that gaze that there was someone looking at me--looking at how much I have to fight malicious words, thoughts, guilt and confusion. He saw me, embraced me with the gaze that said, 'Let's keep going.'
With this vision I'm reminded of what truly needs to happen tonight so I'm not enveloped in the darkness of yet another, hard, monotonous week that I loathe. And so I turned the cell phone off and here I am with you. Because only in putting myself with you am I ever going to be healed. Help me to love you more. Help me to call/show others to love you more. Erase my criticism and my doubt.
You are here. My being longs for you: one who loves my desire, on who delights in my beauty, one who has MADE a special plan just for me that will make life increasingly clearer.
I am doing everything I can, Lord, to abandon myself to your will. Look with favor on me and give me a special part to play in this adventure.
Breathe your life into the activities I already do so I can be made new in those as well. I don't want to just settle but REALLY be moved. Educate me furhter on this as I gaze upon the crucifix."
When I read this entry, I ask myself, "Who is this girl?" It doesn't even sound like me which is LIVING PROOF that the Holy Spirit lives and moves in us. Thank you, Lord, for the love and patience and MERCY you have had with me this year. I am in wonder more and more every day of your mysterious, yet deeply satisfying, ways.